Why women go gaga for "Twilight" (or The Perfect Man)

The Perfect Man. He is a rare breed born of many a woman’s fantasy.

He loves one woman with complete adoration, loyalty, and enduring passionate desire. He is possessive and jealous to only a complimentary degree (never dysfunctional and ignoring a woman’s right to self-possession) and will fight for her to the death (yet never dies, because that would be abandonment and the perfect male will not sink to such lows).

If he does leave her, it is somehow for the woman’s own good. This allows him to be the bad-boy who leaves and the good-guy who takes care of her all at once. Clever! Of course his pure intentions towards his lover are unveiled upon his return because the Perfect Man always returns to his true love, with some fabulous excuse that renders him even more wonderful.

He will also provide security (perhaps emotional, perhaps financial or perhaps both) and will have some kind of excellent physical features – perhaps really great hair.

Women in stupendous numbers have seen a psychological fantasy that they were not-quite-conscious-of come to life in Stephanie Meyer’s vampire novels and movies through the lead character of Edward. Somehow it doesn’t surprise me that Meyer says the character of Edward came to her in a dream …

Edward is a hot, young, rich and kind vampire (he chooses not to drink human blood which is rather kind of him, yes?). He is wise because he is very old (but looks very young, being undead is the ultimate in anti-ageing it seems) and has enough passion to be driven to near insanity with (blood) lust, and yet restrains himself from acting on it by being mean and distant to his true love, thereby being both good guy and moody bad guy all at once (see? Clever!).

So Edward has it going on, at least according to his true love, Bella. Edward fights his urge to kill Bella and turn her into a vampire because he loves her. With more angst than even the most hormonal teenager could summon, he manages not to kill his girlfriend for a while. The dark twist is that he ends up drinking his true love’s blood and turning her into a vampire along with him, but there were extenuating circumstances which apparently made this alright.

Bella’s vampirification (is that a word?) by Edward allows her to (un)live with him forever. An extreme case, it seems, of being loved to death.

At a logical level, the massive response of women fans yearning for a vampire lover of their very own to love them to death (literally) seems bizarre.

There have been studies done lately that show women’s dissatisfaction in their relationships have come to the fore, as women can now show just how little their own partners can live up to their ideal lover, Edward.

It seems that something unconscious in women, this romantic hero fantasy taken to an extreme, has been triggered and is fast translating into ticket sales for the latest movie, and perhaps also couples counselling.

It also seems nothing can breed dissatisfaction for a woman in a relationship faster than believing your man could or should measure up to a fictional character …

If your fantasy becomes so strong it clouds your connection to reality, it will end up killing your relationship bit by bit (as love and expectation of perfection aren’t so compatible) which will eventually leave you free to pursue fantasy (rather than real) relationship as much as you like.

A joke doing the rounds by email at the moment illustrates that the Edward phenomenon isn’t so new at all. It’s called “The Frank Feldman Story” …

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi and the cabbie says: 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger:'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won
the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special'.

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his bloody widow'.

In psychology, both Frank Feldman and the Edward character would be described as the demon lover or ghost lover.

This is a psychological energy that can capture a woman’s psyche, holding her hostage to an impossible desire for perfection.

The demon lover within her own psyche may be directed towards herself, with demands that her body be perfect (and if severe enough, can lure her into anorexia and exercise bulimia) or projected outwards onto others who are deemed never good enough for her.

The demon lover is not about having healthy standards and self-esteem, it is about unrealistic perfection and it can make a woman’s life a breeding ground for personal insecurity, emotional despair and deep loneliness.

A woman captured by her ghost lover is having a dysfunctional relationship with her own psyche, not really connecting with or being able to give and receive love with those around her. It is a painful state to be in, and very painful for those on the receiving end of her distorted judgments that they are ‘not enough’.

A woman’s “Edward” may be a man (living or fictional) that she is obsessed with, or an addiction that pulls her away from her genuine feelings and body – such as anorexia or drug addiction, or her “Edward” may be the voice in her head that tells her each man she meets is never quite up to her level, and therefore should be cast aside (or criticized continually as she tries to change him to become what she wants him to be in her own head, rather than loving who is actually is) to allow for a more perfect soulmate to appear.

Men can suffer just as much from this process of seeking an ideal rather than finding and sharing love and acceptance in their human relationships.

Rather than taking a woman closer to what she is seeking through her ghost lover, which is someone who really loves, treasures and accepts her, helping her move through the pain she has suffered in the past (perhaps being abandoned, rejected, judged or criticized for who she is), it ensures that she will never really have what her heart desires, except in her fantasies.

The sad thing is that if she was willing to face the pain that comes with moving from fantasy-relationship to a human relationship (which means realizing that sometimes you will be hurt and experience loss, but you have to risk that in order to share genuine love, kindness and happiness with another), she would be in a position to give to herself what she really wanted, just perhaps in a different way to how she thought she wanted it! Human love is not perfect, but it is quite wonderful. It is a healing balm to soothe our loneliness and learn that we, and others, have such value, just as we are.

So perhaps we can recognise the Perfect Man for what he is, a fantasy that is often born out of our deepest insecurities and just like Edward himself, lifeless and cold, especially on a cool night when we want to feel warmth of life flowing through our human body, and if we are lucky enough, the human body of our beloved laying next to us (even if there is an occasional belch or snore or whatever else it is that let’s you know you have a real man or woman beside you, not a stone cold vampire).

So the antidote to going gaga for Twilight? A bit of love for the human self, snoring, sweaty palms and all. After all, if you have to be dead to enjoy your ideal vampire love, then it seems that the Perfect man is something of a passion-killer!